It is hard. HARD. Exhausting and oh my gosh, have I mentioned hard? Now this isn't a pity me post. I have zero doubt in my mind that being a stay at home mom is equally hard, maybe even harder. I did it for about 6 months and I remember....ohhhh...I remember!
I am insanely lucky that I get to wake up every day and go do a job that makes my so happy I can feel it right down to the tips of my toes. However, that doesn't make it easy. The mom guilt is real y'all! My daughters cry in the mornings that they don't want me to go to work. Between sniffles they beg me to stay home. Though I know they have a blast at their sitters or spending the day with dad. It is still heartbreaking to hear them cry. It is really hard not to wonder, would they cry like this if I was home more often? This tantrum is because they feel neglected, they are acting out because they don't see me enough. Everything going wrong is my fault because I enjoy being at work. (okay that got a little dramatic but you know what Im trying to get at here)
Also, my house is trashed 90% of the time and it makes me cringe. I hate a messy house and can not sit down and relax until it is clean. Hence, relaxing doesnt happen to often. And to top this off, lets be real for a minute here. I am running a small business, Im working on average 18hrs a day so that means Im making roughly $2/hr?? Wait, what?
Some days I cry into my glass of wine in frustration and think WHY?? I could go do a 9-5 and make 10x more money, leave work at work and have evenings and weekends off. Why in the world am I doing this, to me, to my family?? So after I am done an ugly cry of frustration I sit back and think about a 9-5 and I can literally feel my soul cringe and wither up. Been there done that, I have zero passion for anything 9-5. All of my life I have been a dreamer. I have dreamed of a hundred different and mesmerizing careers. An interior designer, an event planner, a boss babe in a rocking power suit, a motivator, just to name a few. I get to do all of these things wrapped into one by owning my own business. Every creative inch of me gets satisfied in some way when I am at work. Being in my boutiques feeds my heart and soul in a way I never knew they needed to be fed. It's a passion stronger than me and I just can't give it up, no matter how hard it gets some days.
So I wipe my tears, dry my eyes and call my husband. Oh, did I mention my husband works away half the year? So yes, parenting two small girls and running a growing business while my husband works away, sometimes it feels cruel. Thankfully, my husband is a true prince. Honestly, he really is. There is no chance I could do what I do with out him in my corner. If you know me, you know that I might be a little.......hot headed? impatient? scatterbrained? I prefer the term, creative soul. So anyways, you know what my husband has to deal with, and he does it with such patience and grace. He is always the one to remind me that I can and will get through the newest obstacle and that our families are behind me. We will get through it. I am so grateful for his love, support and encouragement.
When I decided to open my boutique my family was my biggest concern. Then when I decided to open boutique #2 it was all my concerns magnified. How could I do this to them, they would miss me so much, my girls need their mom!! So, I find I am not volunteering at Playschool all the time like I always assumed I would. Im not baking cookies....heck...Im not baking anything?! Im not doing homemade crafts, I'm not putting together the perfect memory box and photo albums for my children. Basically my inner pinterest mom score is at measly 2 of out 10. Old Michelle, she is disgusted by this. I look at these other moms doing all of those things and my heart breaks that I'm not being enough for my girls. That they NEED these things from me and I am putting my dreams before their needs...
Am I??? Or, am I teaching them that having your own dreams, ambitions and goals is important too. They go to parent link and to play school and do crafts and sensory play. Really, how much crafts do they need in a day? They make cookies and play dough with their grandma and their sitter. Clearly they are not missing out on these things. I have worked hard to surround them with people who love them and can, and do, provide them with all the things I lack in doing. They are not missing out on these things. That is very hard to remember and it's hard to forgive myself but I think that also might be a big reason for this new blog post. This is something for me to read on those hard days, something to remind me that I am taking care of them. And who knows, maybe this is something for you too. Maybe you need a reminder too. It's okay to love all aspects of your life. It's okay to be a mom with dreams other than raising your children. It's okay to be a mom who's dream is to stay home and raise her children. Its okay. You do you. And you love you. You're doing it right for you.
I get asked a lot how I do it all? I have to chuckle, I hardly do it!! I post only photos of myself at my best and my children when they are clean and cute in matching outfits. I just don't post the other 23.5hrs of my day that is a chaotic mess and there is screaming, snot, tantrums, timeouts and takeout for supper. I keep that part hidden, cause really, it just doesn't make for the best photos!
Living a life that fuels both parts of my being, a mom/wife and a business owner, its stressful and scary. But it is so rewarding and exciting, I am lucky to live this life. I pray I am showing my daughters that dreams really can come true if you are willing to put in the hard work. I pray that I am making my husband proud of the woman he married.
I know I am making many mistakes along the way but I am also learning from them and I am growing in so many ways. So for those who wonder if it's hard owning a business and being a mom, obviously the answer is yes! Yes, all the yesses!!! But, it is also pretty damn amazing too!
To all you boss babes out there! I raise my wine glass to you, Cheers my friends! Cheers to working moms, to stay at home moms. Cheers to momming, cause damn it, its hard!