So as you know, I recently got a tattoo. It’s the logo of the key for the shop. Maybe it totally makes sense to you why I chose this or maybe you’re like.....Girl....Are you actually, literally branding yourself??
I guess yes, and no. I got this tattoo and the words grit and grace, because I feel like those words describe the last 4.5 years of my life.
I can’t lie to you guys. These past 4 years have come with some incredible highs and some terrible lows. I had no idea that I was a workaholic.
And not like, yeah girl....hustle, hustle!!
But more like.....extreme anxiety that I will fail and lose everything I have built unless I am literally working myself sick. And this is no joke, I actually recently was diagnosed and am still recovering from Shingles.
What??? Isn’t that what old people get? This is what I asked my doctor. She said, yes the elderly and young people who are very stressed out and have a low immune system.
Are you stressed Michelle?
A simple question.
I waited until I had reached the safety of my car and I burst into tears.
I’m hardly holding my head above the water. These days it’s quite normal for me to get light headed around 6pm and realize it’s because I haven’t actually eaten anything yet that day.
It’s normal for me to run off of 4 hours of sleep and 4 extra large coffees throughout out the day, then a few glasses of wine at night to help fall asleep because my body is jittering from caffeine.
This is not a healthy life. My body is incredibly angry at me. My mind is sad because being a workaholic is actually very hard. It makes my mom guilt go through the roof. In my head I know I have to put the laptop away and spend quality time with my precious girls. But the truth is, I feel better at working than I do at momming. Which in turn makes me hate myself a little. I’m good at working, I enjoy it, it’s satisfying, and people are actually quite impressed by what I do.
Momming.....I feel like a constant failure 24/7. I’m not making healthy enough food, their bedtimes aren’t on a proper schedule, Gabby cries every morning she has to go to school because she misses me, because I am a bad mom.
These are things that I put on me. They are not entirely true, but for some reason I like to beat myself up about them.
You might ask why I am being so transparent and admitting all of this to you? I’m sort of unsure of why I am too. But, I think it’s because I know a lot of you see my daily outfit pics and my cute photos of my girls and think, how does she do it all???? How does she have it together everyday?
Babes, I’m not doing it all. I am riding the struggle bus on the daily. On. The. Daily!!!
Working and being a mom is epically hard. I think in this day and age even more so because there is that constant pressure to be better. To look in control and to look like it’s all perfect.
I have recently started talking to a life coach out of Vancouver. While I am proud of my hard work, grit and determination. I also know it will hurt me in other areas of my life if I don’t learn how to control it. My marriage suffers, and my family suffers. Not to mention my friends, I feel like I never have time for them anymore.
I need help finding balance. I also recently hired a nanny so when I do get home from work, I can dedicate those few precious hours to my girls instead of trying to work, parent and be a good housekeeper.
These are a few of the things I am starting to do to take better care of myself. And please, feel free to comment any other things that have helped you. I am all ears babes!
So I am telling you this because I know there are many of you that are reading this, that can completely relate. I want you to know that you are so not alone!
And I don’t just mean working moms but also stay at home moms. I can not fathom the responsibility of being the perfect stay at home mom. I feel like I get a bit of a pass in some ways.....”Oh Michelle bought cookies for the bake sale, well it’s because she’s so busy.”
I know all you moms are just as busy but in different ways. So try find your balance mamas. I am trying. I am failing most days, but I’m learning to ask for help and try not to beat myself up if I don’t do it all everyday.
So the tattoo. The tattoo is a daily reminder of what I have built. With extreme grit and as much grace as I can muster. I have built myself a dream job! A job that makes my heart so happy it could burst. I have built a beautiful family. The tattoo is a reminder to enjoy it, to slow down a second and take it all in. My mind constantly wants to wander to what’s next?? A 3rd store..... a bigger 1st store.
What next??? What next????
Calm Michelle. Live right now. What’s next will come, but you need to enjoy your accomplishments as they happen.
We all do. We all need to enjoy what we have and appreciate the now.
So that’s the story behind my tattoo. That’s the story of me these days. A dang hot mess that is just trying to make it all work.
So please, know in those days that you want to scream and pull your hair out and wonder why you can’t do it all....you are not alone.
And you are doing the best you can do.
You are enough.
You are full of grit and grace, believe it.
Tattoo Done By: SaraKim Terrero @ Gold Ocean Studios